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About Deviant Devin BeasleyMale/United States Recent Activity
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Alright. Seeing as how you seem to have been working on this for quite some time, I will do my best to give you the most detailed explanation I can give.

The idea of young (either pre-pubescent, or teenagers from what I gather) spies that are working to seemingly save the world is a concept I have seen performed in two different animated shows, Kim-Possible, and Totally Spies. If I were to say which one I thought of the most when I read this, it would probably be Totally Spies, but as long as you don't start using lip-gloss and pocket mirrors as secret spy gadgets, I can say the only similarity is that they both involve a team of three young spy girls.

I don't know what the stars are from what I have read, and that might be a slight problem. If I don't know why I should be hopeful or concerned about whether or not they get these stars, I will spend most of the episode asking myself questions about what the stars are. Sure you gave some fore-shadowing, and some classic vague backstory talk, but for the most part, even after reading through all of this I still don't really know what the score is. Can these stars bring about the apocalypse? Can they potentially save the world?
If I were to make a suggestion, do the classic pre-show monologue. Explain the basic premise and such, who Rena is, what the stars are, what could happen if they fall into the wrong hands, etc... make it brief yet informative.

You took a little while to get all the names out. Looking at this as a script means I have to pretend to only know what is said or described to be on screen. Sasha was a nameless face in her first scene, and there were opportunities you could have said her name, such as when she called Jade, instead of saying "It's Me" you could have said "It's Sasha". Also, you have them talk to the Alejandro by calling him "Alex" or "Al", which isn't a big deal, I know who they are talking to and who he is, but it might be worth at least mentioning his real name once.

Vision: It's a good idea with a good premise, I can see many different ways it can go, and you did a good job of building it up.

Originality: Other than the other shows I said it reminded me of, the idea of spies going to find secret magical objects in order to save the world isn't an idea I have seen very often.

Technique: Basically what I said up above, you have a good idea to work with and did a good job of building it up, but there are some things you can improve. Some things need to be elaborated on or explained a bit more than they are, like why Annabel already had half of a star sitting on her desk. Also some things don't seem to make sense to me, Annabel picked up the two halves, put them in her pocket, and then took them right back out to put them together. Also the three girls walked up to the building where the footsteps led them, the parents answered, and very clearly said they had two daughters, the girls mentioned the red star, and them mom clearly reacted to it, even saying something that hinted that she knew what it was, I don't see how the girls thought it was possible they were at the wrong house, especially considering that they are spies (fairly important ones it seems).

Impact: How should I put this? Like I said above, I don't know what the stars are or why I should care whether or not they retrieve them, so if I perhaps knew a bit more, it might evoke a bit more emotion in me. The scene with Annabel and her sister was fairly well written, it made me feel sad that a girl possibly just watched her sister get swallowed up by the earth. I think you should make me wonder/worry a bit more though. If I were to make another suggestion, add a scene in between Annabel falling in the hole, and finding out that she is fine, so that I worry that she might be injured or in danger, you went right from her falling to her being safe, so any worry I had for her was short lived. Stretch the worry out, tug on my heartstrings.

Overall, it's good. It shows promise, I could definitely get into the story. Just consider what I said.
Alright. First off, you really took my advice to heart it seems, Marie was astoundingly more in-character in this one than in the previous one.

In the previous one Marie wasn't bad, I just felt she could have been better, it seemed like you were taking her too far into a different direction. Like those stories where people take the lazy route and just have Marie say "I was faking it because of my sisters".

I really enjoy the way you took Marie's well known cleverness into account in order to get her and Edd together. Not many people do that, they usually just have her do the constant harassment and then Edd either does something nice for her that gets her to change her attitude (one of my personal favorites), or they have Edd just decide that he has a crush on her and then ask her out or something like that. I'm serious though, that was a very clever maneuver by Marie, it got me really good.

Overall if I were to say anything about the story, it might be that I think you should try and get the other Ed's involved. In these past two chapters you haven't really had any interactions with Ed, or Eddy, which is a lot of the times one of the most enjoyable parts to read. I enjoy seeing how they react to Edd and Marie either being friendly, or in a relationship.

In terms of Vision (or at least my understanding of vision). It seems like you really know what you wanted to write, I don't really know how to explain vision. If someone wants to write something they write it. If they are a good writer it comes out clearer than if they are a bad writer, so from what I read, it seems like you have good vision.

Originality is kind of unfair when you are talking about fanfiction, especially when you are talking about pairings. There will always be fairly vague similarity between stories which solely focus on two people from a show being paired together.

Your Technique is honestly spot on. You know how to fill the story with meaningful thoughts and moments, rather than pointless fluff that people add in order to get an increased word count.

The Impact it had on me... As I said earlier, you really got me good with that clever trick that Marie pulled. It made me giddy (as in childishly excited) when I read it. It made me feel like I wanted to read more, and I was "on the edge of my seat" when they were about to kiss.

Not sure if you are planning to go further with this. There are directions this story can go, and while I usually enjoy Edd and Marie slowly evolving throughout a story, and then becoming a couple. I think I can appreciate a story based around them dating (with maybe a couple conflicts thrown in).

Also, thanks for the low-key credit. I really enjoy when people appreciate constructive criticism, or in some cases, thoughtful praising.

All rambling finally finished. Very good story, and I am looking forward to seeing more from you (and maybe exploring some of your other stories).


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Skater1ooo's Profile Picture
Devin Beasley
United States
Just a lover of all things art.


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3wyl Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
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ThePenVsTheSword Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2017  Student Writer
Thank you for the llama!
Skater1ooo Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2017
Eh, it's more of a sign of mutual respect more than anything. I appreciate true art, be it in paintings, drawings, writings, speeches, basically anything that is a true expression of creativity, or knowledge. I think I should apologize, I realize I ramble a lot and it puts some people off. Probably because after I while I start to sound crazy.
ThePenVsTheSword Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2017  Student Writer
No need to apologize. It's nice to learn that you see llamas as more than a simple "Give one, get one."